Signs that you are no longer young
- You are asleep, but others worry that you are dead.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age ... and isn't breaking any laws.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You make an appointment to see the dentist.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- Neighbours borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You answer a question with, "because I said so!".
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know what the word "equity" means.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You can go bowling without drinking.
- You have a party and the neighbour's don't even realize it.
- You bend over just once to get multiple items.
- You are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
- Feminists don't mind if you call them "Sweetie".